Recently I have been listening to the post programme interviews for the participants in our 12-week Summer Self-care for Grieving Hearts programme. Each participant shared something that touched my heart. The courage, the bravery they all displayed opening up and allowing themselves to be heard. This isn’t something that they came by easily. No, it’s been part of the journey. Healing from the affects of a loved one’s addiction, whether it’s alcohol or any substance misuse, it’s difficult. It’s painful. And as some participants said. “It’s just shit.” Many of us stay silent for a long time, not wanting to upset our loved one. I remember placing empty bottles on the counter, and saying nothing. That’s how we talked about the problem – in silence. We suffer in a way that people simply can’t see, and we hold it as a dirty secret, not wanting anyone to know what we are thinking or feeling, or the truth of what we are living through. So to hear participants open up about this, to be vulnerable and share their feelings, to share how they feel about themselves and their healing, it’s a privilege. I get to witness their growth, watching them step forward into the challenges, and I can hear the courage in their voices as I listen to them speak.
Healing isn’t linear, it’s like the biggest, scariest roller coaster that you’ve ever seen and you find yourself on the roller coaster not knowing how you got there in the first place. You are just strapped in, scared, frozen, with no idea how to make the ride stop. No one hears our silent screams. When life is in chaos, or spiralling out of control, it’s difficult to find a path forward, a way through it all. it doesn’t seem possible to pause and reflect on our emotional and mental well-being. When we need it the most, there doesn’t seem to be any space for self-care, if we even think of it at all.
But there is one self-care tool that has helped me the most. It’s a tool that doesn’t take any extra time, it only requires awareness. It’s a tool called self-compassion.
It is with self-compassion that we can embrace the stages of change. Many participants spoke of feeling they were in a different place on their healing journey. NOt everyone was in the same place, infact they were all in differnt places. I think it will be helpful to share the stages of change. Change is not a linear process; it unfolds in stages. Understanding these stages can help you recognise where you are in your journey and provide clarity on the path ahead.
Pre-contemplation: At this stage, you may not even be aware that change is necessary. It’s a time of reflection, often marked by a sense of discomfort or dissatisfaction.
Contemplation: Here, you begin to acknowledge the need for change. You may feel conflicted, unsure of how to proceed, but this is a crucial step toward self-awareness and self-care.
Preparation: In this stage, you start to plan how to implement change. Gathering resources and support is essential, and setting intentions can help you feel more empowered.
Action: This is where the real work begins. You implement your plans and make conscious efforts to change behaviours, often facing challenges and setbacks along the way.
Maintenance: Once you’ve made changes, it’s important to sustain them. This stage requires ongoing self-care and self-compassion.
Relapse: It’s important to remember that setbacks are part of the process. Relapse is not failure; it’s an opportunity to learn and grow, because when we fall back into old behaviours or patterns, we can feel that they no longer fit us. And that is progress.
Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. It involves recognising your own needs and taking steps to meet them. This could mean setting boundaries, engaging in activities that bring you joy, managing your finances, treating yourself with love, or simply giving yourself permission to rest. In a world that prioritises productivity, self-care can feel indulgent or selfish. However, it is essential to understand that caring for yourself allows you to show up fully for others. When you nurture your own well-being, you create a solid foundation for healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.
Self-compassion is the gentle embrace we give ourselves in moments of struggle. It’s about treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend. Instead of harsh self-criticism, self-compassion encourages understanding and patience. It is also about fierce self-compassion, protecting ourselves.
“But there is another way to feel safe and protected. When we are mindful of our struggles, and respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and support in times of difficulty, things start to change. We can learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, despite inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive.”
— The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Kristin Neff, Christopher Germer
The road to self-care and self-compassion is often paved with challenges. You may encounter self-doubt, fear of failure, or external pressures that pull you away from your journey. It’s crucial to remember that these obstacles are part of the process, and it’s okay to seek support from others—whether it’s friends, family, or professionals. Everyone’s journey is unique. What works for one person may not work for another. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate your path, and remember that progress is not always visible. Celebrate the small victories along the way, and don’t hesitate to reach out for help when you need it.
As you work through the stages of change, embracing self-care and self-compassion, you may find yourself facing difficult moments. However, the reward for your perseverance is profound: love and joy. Through this journey, you will cultivate a deeper connection with yourself and others. You’ll learn to celebrate your achievements and embrace your vulnerabilities. The love you develop for yourself will radiate outward, enriching your relationships and creating a ripple effect of positivity in your life.
We believe that everyone deserves to feel safe, held, and understood on their healing journey. The path to self-care and self-compassion may be filled with challenges, but it’s also a journey of immense reward. By embracing the stages of change and nurturing your well-being, you are taking essential steps toward a life filled with love and joy. Remember, it’s good to lean on others for support and to take your time. Your journey is uniquely yours, and every step you take matters. We are here to support you, in the Blossome Self-care Community where healing is easier together.
Kim Moore is the Founder of Blossome CIC. She lost her husband Chris to alcoholism in 2017. She faced a difficult journey while raising 2 children alone, with her family living on the opposite side of the world. Kim founded the Blossome Community and The Pathway to Peace healing journey so no one would have to feel alone while enduring the trauma of a loved one’s battle with alcoholism or addiction. She is also on a mission to end the generational cycle of alcoholism and addiction in families.
Kim lost her husband to alcohol dependency in 2017. She created the Blossome Community to help others enduring losing a loved one to alcoholism or addiction find a Pathway to Peace so they can let go of guilt/shame and live with self-compassion and joy.
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